Well, here we are…three weeks into school and I must say…it seems to be going fairly smoothly. Of course, there is noise never ceasing….snickers, snorts, burps, giggles, and toots…sometimes I think they just want to see who can make the last noise. But I would have to say overall, I am happy with our choice to home educate.
And then comes the dark…lights out…my thoughts are not quite as sleepy as my body. So they stay awake and revisit the day and all the what if’s and what could be’s
They say confession is good for the soul…so here is a confession….I have been rather on the sharp edge with my words and emotions of late. Not a great way to spend the days teaching children whom you hope will have the law of kindness on their own tongues. Something was amiss in my heart – I just couldn’t quite pinpoint the origin of the sharpness. But then came the lights out a week or so ago. And my heart became honest with my thoughts and it dawned on me what the problem was.
We all want to know our purpose….to know that we matter….that we are needed….to belong….and when seasons change or jobs shift or we find ourselves with an empty nest, it can become extremely displacing emotionally. We tend to gain our identity from what we can do or how we can do….rather than from simply just being us.
I realized that this was the source of my sharp-edged tongue. I was feeling a bit displaced and needed to remind myself that my identity is who God created me to be, not what I could do for others or what I could create. With this choice of education has come personal sacrifice. I have privately taught music lessons for nearly the past five years of which had its own joys and tears…but mainly joy. But that has been something I needed to set aside so that I would have the time to invest into my children. I have also spent the past ten years playing in some capacity with a band. That too, because of time, health reasons and a shift of seasons has been set aside. The season of being completely needed by Little Boy has come to an end and now we have moved into a season of instruction. All the familiar ways to feel needed and important has shifted and now I feel like I am driving in a different gear. At times it feels foreign and uncomfortable, and to be honest a little lonely.
But with the “little bit” quieter season I find myself….I also see so many things that I truly used to love doing that I had set aside in the hustle and bustle of the last while. I have found a little bit of time to run, have quiet devotions, bake, cook and just sit and enjoy each of my children. Of course, things are there own new kind of crazy, but its a better kind of crazy and busy. I love reading and learning new things, talking about current events….and every conversation in our house generally ends up in politics….but I LOVE IT…..EVERY CRAZY, NOISY, BUSY moment….because I have found a new account of memories being made with my tribe. And then I remind my heart there is no reason to feel displaced or lonely….because, according to my children I am the best mom in the world. I belong right where I am….no need to worry about what I am missing out on. I am never alone….lol…(not even when I need to use the bathroom). I have a purpose and that purpose is to shape the hearts of these CRAZY, NOISY, BUSY kids, inspiring them to live life to the fullest, take chances and live free from fear.